Nobody knows it

New Chapter

2010-03-17T10:07:00.003+01:00

Well it's been a fucking AGE hasn't it.

Maybe I don't need this outlet anymore. Many people know of it's existence so I can't really air my feelings or opinions on aspects of my life without them coming back to haunt me at some point in the future. It has happened in the past so I don't expect anything has changed.

The lung has improved on Xray but hasn't recovered how they had hoped. It's been 12 months now and my stamina is shite to say the least. I need to start hammering the gum and working through that nasty pain barrier that always stops me. Surgeon said that I can do myself no harm.

My fellow blogger stopped writing in July last year so perhaps it's time for me to sign out here and start a new chapter.

pp

Much has happened and then nothing

2009-11-18T09:55:00.002+01:00

Morning,

I went to see my consultant in early October and we both agreed that it was pointless X-raying me over and over again as my lung was not going to recover as they thought. I'm left with a good left lung and a rigid right lung that doesn't expand properly and a cavity that fills with fluid.......sigh

Life carries on and everyone expects me to pick up where it all went wrong. Back to normal working life. Back to repitition.

sigh

New flame

2009-09-11T20:51:00.003+01:00

Oh the complaining one could do

The fighting for whats right and changing things for the better.

However.....Is this a totally futile venture?

Will my tiny wee voice be heard above the corporate's subwoofers. I very much mother fucking well doubt it people. This is because change only happens once a blue moon or in the movies. Whole HR departments will not change unless thousands of people suffer at the hands of these incompetent dicks.

Also, is it worth pursuing any type of claim against Mr Consultant 1. The same chap who would say week after week. "Lets just see how you go"........(Hmmmmm.....I'll be going straight into a fucking coffin if I stay under your care.)

Making a claim against Consultant 1 would drag my family out of the debt-chasm we are now firmly wedged in thanks to being sick for 12 months.

Then there is the other hand. What about the karma......you know bad KARMA!

Will a claim against Consultant 1 bring lots of nasty karma my way. You must understand that I have had enough bad luck to last me a freaking century so I am keen to avoid it.

To many decisions to make and too little time.

I do have something to keep me occupied though. An old love. A new love.

Things are going to be different

what a surprise

2009-09-02T09:14:00.002+01:00

Benefits grind to a halt. I wait for payday. I'm desperate as we are totally skint.

Hang on....Whats happened here?

Many phonecalls and episodes of tachycardia later....nothing.

Finally someone from a distant office calls me.

Under paid by over 500 quid!

Nice one. Lets add it to the pile of blunders.

Long term plans

2009-08-08T10:58:00.002+01:00

I'm back at work. Its my own doing. I had an appointment with my physician and the poor bastard had been sent yet another 15 page document to complete on my progress. I told him that, in a nutshell, I was tired of fighting with the powers that be to remain off work until I felt I was able to return.

I agreed the date of 1st August and I started back on the 4th. The irony is that I started with a cold on the 1st August so I came into work with my first infection post surgery and Occ Health interviewed me before and felt quite happy that I was fit to work. Ordinarily....if all this shit hadn't happened its the type of cold I would have called in sick for.

I have plans though but they are the long long term.

This isnt my life!

70731

2009-07-07T19:52:00.003+01:00

2 posts in the same day...............fucking hell!!!!!

Anyone would think I am having a drama.

Got a letter which I opened a couple of hours ago. It was from the DWP( Dept of Work and Pensions). They have reviewed my case of being "ill" and feel that I have been "ill" long enough now and because I am not bleeding out of my eyes I should get promptly back to work and stop taking the piss.

Strange that because the only people I think are taking the piss are everyone else that I have had to deal with and fight with to just FUCKING RECOVER.

What do I have to do?

How ill do I have to get before someone gets off their fucking official high horse and actually sit and read or just FUCKING LISTEN to what a normal young healthy person has gone through. I dont want pity. I just want a little bit of fucking respect for being ill and dragging my physical and mental health through one of the scariest moments of my life.

Its a complete joke. I even spent time whilst i was in hospital, hooked up to drips and chest drains and morphine and catheter bags and epidurals - on the fucking phone calling work, calling DWP calling to sort out money, forms, payments ....anything to make sure our family was financially secure

Just a number ...thats all we are to every fucking business in the world. Just a fucking number ....not a person with feelings and a family.

Plod... Plod... Plod

2009-07-07T08:33:00.003+01:00

OK...well I still remain off work which I am glad about. I visited the consultant last month and although I was tired and still suffered with pain I didn't reckon I was going to hear the words...

"Oh dear"..... your Xray appears worse and you either have another pneumonia or a huge collection of fluid on the lung".

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!

Off I go to emergency CAT scan which thankfully thankfully thankfully was more promising and indicated that I did in fact have a collection of fluid(pleural effusion) but it was modest. The good thing about this is that Dr didn't feel we needed to drain it off......which means NO FUCKING CHEST DRAIN PEOPLE. This pleased me no end.....because i fucking LOATH chest drains. The pain is unspeakable.

I gets another checkup in a few weeks and also in another month. One by the surgeon and one by the physician and then fingers crossed I can start thinking about returning to work.

This means this entire drama is encroaching on a full year.

Pity

2009-06-06T12:06:00.002+01:00

How hard is this?

I had my chest drain removed 4 weeks and a nurse was at my house asking why I couldn't return to work.

I visit occupational health and they ask why I cant return to work.

I speak of exhaustion and pain and nobody listens. I take painkillers and try so hard to get my old life back and I'm left exhausted every day.

I have so little money that my card is declined and we can't afford much and resort to buying secondhand stuff and picking things up in backstreets.

I am backed into a corner as per usual. I had an infection that I had been fighting for 8 months and an abcess that was close to killing me if it wasnt found and removed and the insurance company don't listen and expect me to return at the beginning of June.

I will just need to give up and go back to work and wait until I catch another fucking chest infection and then I will be off again.

Je ne drama pas

2009-05-05T08:46:00.003+01:00

I travelled all the way to Cheadle a week ago. Its a long drive but a well known one. I saw my surgeon, who is fantastic, and he was thrilled with my progress and so happy that my recovery has been uneventful. Doesn't need to see me at all now but as i was a special case he requested another follow up in July....just to see how I was getting on. I handed over a bottle of red and some Grasmere Gingerbread and I thanked him and thanked him again and that was it. Lovely lovely man.

Since then, Ive just pottered about. I find that if I stop my painkillers I feel like SHIT and have to immediately take some. Tramadol does indeed ROCK but unfortunately is as addictive as FUCKERY so one has to be careful.

On Friday morning, I was doing my usual morning routine of Facebook, hotmail, news and possibly postsecret and got an I'M from my good friend up in Edinburgh. She had invited my work(piss-up) buddies for a girly weekend and they were travelling up straight after work. Wouldn't that be lovely I thought and good friend said "why don't you come"........hmm shyuh......like i can get sorted in a couple of hours and well I'm ill and still recovering or maybe I'm just making pussy excuses and just scared of stepping outside the county for fear of a relapse. S was reading over my shoulder and was quite sure that this would be a perfect break and I should absolutely go.

So go I did.

My fucking word. What a completely exhausting hysterical emotional doss we had. What a crazy fucking weekend, which we then extended a further day into the BH ....just cos we fucking could.

LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED IT and I'm pretty sure it changed me somehow.

Right lower lobectomy from hell

2009-04-13T10:49:00.003+01:00

Well for fucks sake.

Yes I'm still alive......I did briefly wish I was dead when I came round from that anaesthetic and the pain hit me...I cant even put it into words but lets say childbirth is a walk in the park. The operation to remove the lower lobe was planned for the 2nd March but late February I was readmitted with a fever and had to be on at least 1 week of antibiotics oral and IV before they were happy to operate. So the new date was set for 7th March at 2pm. It was to be a 2hour op so I should be out around tea-time. Good stuff.

Naturally, that didn't happen and I actually got out of theatre at 7.30pm. The abscess was now the size of a grapefruit and had adhered and attacked my diapragm and also the remaining part of my lung .....the literally had to hack it out and as it was so turgid and full of puss they inserted a plastic bag(I'm thinking this was sterile folks.....not like a tesco bag!) and wrapped the abscess in it and then hauled the whole lot out. of course it exploded and was, as the surgeon explained, the colour and consistency of cooked beetroot but full of puss. Delightful.

Waking up was hideous. The anaesthetist had tried to carry out an epipleural to numb my upper back but this is fraught with complications as it can actually stop the patient from breathing. The epipleural failed to work so when I cam to .....I had all the pain ALL OF IT. The pain of the 6 inch scar on my back, the pain of stretching open my ribs, the pain of all the wires and leads coming out of my neck and arms, the pain of the chest drain.

Spent about 3 days in intensive care, which was a room packed to the tits with beeping machines but no windows. I cant remember much of my time in there. At one point my haemoglobin dropped so low that they thought I might need a transfusion. Luckily I escaped that. .

I was then moved to progressive care and got to have my own room and bathroom which was nice but I was hooked up to everything and couldn't move. Even if I wanted to get up I had no strength. It took 5 days for me to stand. I had a catheter bag. I had an epidural still in. I had a morphine drip. I had saline drip. I had a chest drain tube and I was attached to the wall as this was pumping out the fluid.

The consultants saw me every day and told me how well I was doing and how amazed they were. I was frustrated daily. I wasn't aware of how much it was going to completely FUCK ME UP.

Days passed and i was finally discharged home on the 15th March, 3 weeks after being admitted. During this time i didn't see my kids.....i was in Manchester and it was too much of a trek. My discharge was under the condition that i wore a mobile chest drain. This is basically a catheter bag for the lung. Looks like shit and the fluid flowing out of it started off being red and eventually turned the colour of apple juice. Chest drain was removed on 30th March and Ive had the stitches out.

Its sore but its expected.

Let it be

2009-02-21T11:23:00.002+01:00

stuff ive noticed.

Not many people seem to give a shit when you're ill. Not in the same way as I would anyway.

I guess its my own fault as its lasted a little longer than most of todays fickle society can tolerate. Couple of months ...sorted ...anything longer than 6 months and no one ever wants to bring it up or discuss it.

Taboo

Ive never felt as lonely as I do now

lung biopsy

2009-02-20T13:41:00.002+01:00

Hello......

Where were we....ahhh yes..coughing up blood.

Went for a 2nd opinion and that resulted in a lung biopsy being discussed. So I had an appointment to see a surgeon. He says my chest x ray is worse......of course it is .......cos nothing is getting better is it!....anyway on exam he finds a heart murmur. Great stuff. Fucking cardiology appt then...for an Echo. Luckily this turned out to be totally innocent and was just an ejection click and fundamentally its just nothing to worry about.

So onwards with some planned biopsy - which on research looks to be a wee procedure under a local and its just a quick puncture and off you go home. Nope......not for me....you see because my lung is FUCKED and has been for well over 6 months....its like a tough piece of leather and therefore I need to have an OPEN LUNG BIOPSY which is a 2 hour process under a general and is very fucking painful and requires morphine and a chest drain.

This happened on Monday. I had an abscess in my lung it has naturally destroyed an area the size of an apple. There is also an obstruction. Malignancy cannot be excluded here so I am waiting for the results. There is a 90% chance this lower lobe will need to be removed in 2 weeks.

I am in lots of pain .......lots and lots

Just pneumonia huh !

old habits

2009-01-29T23:26:00.002+01:00

Husband has gone to work in far-away city.

He is in a flat on his own.

He has little to no will power for anything deemed "not allowed"

I worry.

Hosting

2009-01-29T23:21:00.003+01:00

Well....little did I know that when i wrote my last post i was becoming a host for Haemophillus Influenzae.

Nice

Still have it naturally cos nothing runs smoothly these days. Coughing up blood that looks like raw liver......not the romantic few spots on a tissue that you see in the movies!

More anti-biotics you say ....really????

I havnt had enough of those. I think its my 15th or 16th course. Fucking ridiculous.

Fucking chronic bastard illness. Pissed off and scared and ......well...I just want to be well again.

Thru the roof

2009-01-13T23:02:00.003+01:00

Here starts the list of major work needed on the house. Not the extension obviously cos thats coming up to being 1 year old and should have no frikking problems ...one would hope.

Roof is leaking...has been for about 6 months by my reckoning and also judging by the dampness which was our xmas tree and baubles after we got them owt of the loft. S goes in the loft a fair bit, opens the hatch and in we toss various items we dont want around the house.

Out of sight ...out of mind.

However, we can see daylight when we peek into the loft. The slates have slipped in the OUTRAGEOUS wind we have here on the NW coast. Then the rain plip plop plip plop plips on the roof hatch when it pisses it down and I lay there awake thinking with each drop the price of the fix goes up a tenner.

Get a roofer round who said he would fix the slates for £85 quid. Fucking hell....thats bloody cheap we think. Great stuff. He says he will quote us for a replacement anyway and we are happy and await his letter.

Three and a half THOUSAND mother fucking pounds....for a fucking roof on a terraced house in the north of England. This isnt in bastard Notting Hill.

Fucking OUTRAGEOUS.

...and finally

2008-12-31T17:25:00.003+01:00

Monday saw a return to work. Three hours a day and yes I know that sounds like a doss......get off my case. Ive had PNEUMONIA for fucks sake.

Had some bloods taken on Tuesday and the kind Dr called me today and said that I was abnormal but stable and he is happy.....which means I am happy too.

This all sounds reassuringly OK for the coming year. I obviously don't want to shoot myself in the foot and shout..

"Hey Folks....I'm cured!"

Looks like I can have a drink

Get fucking in there!

Happy New Year bloggers

ALPs

2008-12-14T11:41:00.003+01:00

Im home alone.

Dropped S off at the airport on Saturday morning ....... he goes to the Alps without me because I am too poorly to go. Well ...I say poorly. My blood results and chest Xray are shite and this means I could be at risk of having a drama at 2500m above sea level so I get to sit in an empty house and mope.

Get this.....I cant go to the Alps because my ALP is raised.

Its part of the liver function and stands for alkaline phosphatase. This and also my CRP and ESR which are all inflammatory markers indicate that something is still going on and I need to be retested on Tuesday and then take it from there. I guess my liver is grumbling because I've taken somewhere in the region of 12 courses of anti-biotics.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself because I really expected to be better by now and I want to go back to work and just everything to be normal. I don't know what I'm thinking about today really but I have been crying so I guess I'm worried that they havn't isolated whats causing all these problems and it scares me it could be something sinister.

Maybe someone will send me a diagnosis or cure online

Borderline

2008-12-04T18:03:00.001+01:00

Apparently.....my last blood results are borderline. This means I can make no plans at all regarding anything. Can't go back to work because I could promptly become sick again. Can't go to Val Thorens Ski-ing in 9 days. Can't really have a life

Totally fucking skint. We have no money over Xmas now and I am reduced to shopping in TJ Hughes and TK Maxx and fucking Primark which pisses me off cos i fucking HATE the place.

Also have to return to work because I am not allowed to take the 3.5 booked weeks over to next year and if i don't manage to return before the end of the year this all disappears into the ether and ceases to exist.

hey ...ho..ho .ho

Hospital

2008-11-17T09:37:00.002+01:00

My pay ended on Friday.....never been ill in my entire life and Ive used up a years worth of sick pay in one go...3 fucking months....wish it was 6 months.

I was seeing this private dude ......its a perk having private health care so i thought lets use it. It would seem the referral might have come a little late though because on 27th October I was admitted to hospital with pneumonia complicated with pleurisy.

Let me tell you about pleurisy......fucking worse pain I have ever experienced and I've given birth 3 times. Can't breath...can't cry...can't move ....can't even take a piss because anything and everything hurts. 2 codeine tablets didn't touch the pain. So an ambulance was called and in I went.

Straight on to IV antibiotics and oral antibiotics which was then changed to a hard core antibiotic on day 3. During this time I had a CT scan and a Bronchoscopy which was rushed through after the CT scan results had been seen. This of course made me panic like a MOTHER_FUCKER. Good news was that no nasty cancer was seen and it would appear that it was an evil mutated type of bacteria which was thriving.

Fast forward 2 weeks and I'm discharged .....feeling no difference really. Feel a bit shit....not eating really...tired all the time....have a follow up in about a week and then that comes with another chest xray and more bloods.

Mortgage is due soon and I might not be able to fund it ........

Q&A

2008-10-27T21:36:00.003+01:00

Q Am I back at work yet?

A Am I fucking hell like!

Q Am I still off work with pneumonia?

A Certainly am matey!

Q Have I had lots and lots of pills?

A.....over 200 now and thats mostly anti-biotics

Gone private now....its a perk. See a chappy who is well trained in all things respiratory. Had lots of bloods and 2 chest xrays several weeks apart which show fuck all improvement. However what they do confirm is a broken rib......a fucking broken rib through coughing. Hardcore!

Get to go in a CAT scan machine on Wednesday and if this is no help then its Bronchoscopy time. This is a tube-camera into lungs to see what the fuck is going on and why the fuck it isnt going away.

10 weeks off work.....unbelievable.....

I cant shake it

2008-09-26T19:27:00.002+01:00

Oh God i am no better.

How utterly depressing this illness is. 6 weeks now.....is it ever going to FUCK OFF.

Ive cracked a rib or torn a rib muscle. Same difference according to the quack.....will still hurt like a mother fucker and there is precisely zip that can be done to fix it.

So I sit thats what I do....I sit and watch the house cobweb itself into decaying Autumn just like my lungs and there is fuck all I can do about it. 4 courses of anti-biotics have failed to do the trick so I'm on cold turkey now and its all up to my weary immune system to kick out the nasty infection and then its just the very long and slow recovery until after Xmas .......

What is there to look forward to. I mean really what is there.

I wake up and the kids go to school I mill about and look at the expanding list of jobs and watch Jeremy Kyle shout at scumbag chavs and then we might have some lunch or I might cough a lot and vomit and then I go to bed along with the baby and then all of a sudden its pick the other children up ...who naturally live in their own selfish little worlds and don't care a jot about how totally frustrated, depressing, lonely and ill my life currently is.

I look at the clock from 6 onwards and wonder when I can go to bed .....and then I lie in bed and worry about if I will ever get better

Medieval pneumonia

2008-09-12T20:18:00.005+01:00

I'm coming up to 5 weeks with pneumonia now and just starting to believe that I might actually get my life back.

This is not a cold folks.

Had a chest Xray last week after I saw my GP after the hols and he gave me antibiotics(3rd lot) used for peeps with cystic fibrosis and said book an appt for 2 weeks. The next day i turn up for the chest xray and the radiographer comes out and tells me quite gravely to make an appt for a week and she will rush the results through. Normally a chest xray is 2 weeks for results. Typically this kind of statement throws me into a mad panic as I have a broad medical background. So I sit in my car ...in tears thinking about whether I have enough Critical Illness cover in place to pay off my mortgage and indeed if my life insurance is adequate. Still......I wait. Results should be there Wednesday but I call on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and no results. I call the hospital and they naturally remember the most abnormal chest xray of the day and say they reported on it 6 DAYS AGO. So the day after I fucking had it apparently.

Took all afternoon to get the bitch from the surgery to realise that I was in a mad panic and just wanted to know what my Xray said. Finally after 5 hours of calling I get the results which thankfully showed active consolidation which of course is pneumonia. Saw the quack the next day and he said I had improved and it was time to go cold turkey and come off the anti-biotics. We spoke a while and it came as quite a shock when he said that I was lucky to survive the fever...i mean FUCK......Jesus.

Can't remember what the carpet looks like at work......I guess it will be a while yet

shock illness

2008-08-30T21:06:00.003+01:00

Just been on my annual hols to Scotland. Dumfries and Galloway. Absolutely fucking beautiful remote and unspoiled area.

Got there on the Saturday and Sunday morning I got up and said "Bloody Hell!.....I think I might having the start of a cold"

....or so i thought.....

Sunday got progressively worse and I retired to bed with what can be explained as the worst fucking fever I have ever had ......really high temperature and shivers and nausea and pretty much every ache and pain one could ask for. This went into the Monday and i ate paracetamol like sweets desperately trying to keep what i thought was a kidney infection at bay. Tuesday involved a drive for an hour to get to Stranraer A&E dept only to find that they could not take any more emergencies as they were already up to their capacity of ......2. Nor could they see me at the adjoining health centre for 3 hours ..... so i reluctantly got back into the car for the hour drive back home really thinking that I was going to die and no one cared. The afternoon we visited the local Dr surgery and they couldn't see me for another 3 days ...finally ....fucking FINALLY I get an appointment at another surgery some more driving away for the next morning purely because my eyes started to well up with desperation.

Dr at the remote coastal surgery spent 20 minutes listening checking prodding and finally arrives at the diagnosis......and it was a shocker.....pneumonia....PNEU-FUCKING MONIA.......me.....WHAT THE FUCK.....that's an old lady illness.....how the bloody fuck.

But I don't even have a cough.....

You will do .......oh..you will do........and yep i fucking do

On my 2nd course of antibiotics now......a typical days food is 1 yoghurt and 1 Turkish Delight...

i need a holiday

Kitten 1 and Kitten 2

2008-07-28T23:08:00.003+01:00

Spider ( after Spider Robinson ) and Yoshi ( everyones favourite Nintendo friend )

Yoshi...he has a tache.....

Animal Crossing - City Folk Wii

2008-07-28T21:21:00.003+01:00

This is fucking MINE on release day .....I am even going to take the day off so I can play for a full 6 hours straight without the children interrupting me for food.

Schools out for Summer

2008-07-28T12:21:00.003+01:00

Eldest offspring is on Girl Guide camp. She was reluctant to go especially as she is such a shy creature. Naturally, I'm worried but she is in safe responsible hands.

Middle offspring - this is the Ginger Hitler child. Named by my husband. She is the total opposite of eldest and invades everyones personal space completely. I am starting to worry that people I know either love or hate her vivaciousness. I guess its their problem if they cant be doing with her joie de vivre. She is a darling. ......however ....there is a story....as there always is with Hitler.

I go to dance last Wednesday. Husband is at home and directs Ginger Firework to bed after placing smallest Fatbear in the cot. All are tucked in and he prepares himself for a nice evening of geekery. 10 minutes later, Firework is downstairs crying.

"Daddy. There is a fire upstairs"

Daddy considered this a moment and thought this is probably smoke from someones BBQ or a passing fag smoker. She is insistent that there is actually a fire upstairs. And in fact says its in our bedroom.

Daddy runs upstairs and sure enough there is a medium sized blaze raging away on the carpet near the bed.

Its promptly extinguished and the interrogation begins

It transpired that Firework had been rummaging and ferreting about in our bedroom and had come across a small box of matches we use for lighting our sexy candle. She played with my make-up for a short while - this is something she knows I kill on sight for. She spills oil on the carpet and then she spills toner on the carpet and then decides to play with the matches which she naturally dropped on the FUCKING floor.
Cue...FIRE .......
Tries to put this out with toner.....
Result...FIREBALL......
Tries to cover it up with a towel......larger fire

Lost 1 towel....gained 1 large black charred mass on the carpet

Serendipity

2008-06-06T11:09:00.002+01:00

......Is taking your dog for a walk along the beach on the Isle of Gigha and finding a message attached to the end of a withered balloon ..... sent a month ago from a pair of little girls in Lytham St Annes.....

Our family gets bigger...still

2008-06-06T11:05:00.003+01:00

Much has been happening.

No no ....i am NOT pregnant again....

We have kittens now. They came home last week and are just 8 weeks old. They run up my curtains and trouser legs and spend much of their time running and jumping and sleeping. Their names are Yoshi and Spider.

The children LOVE them.

Pics soon.

Never Forget

2008-05-01T08:56:00.003+01:00

I went to Edinburgh last weekend.

Lovely best friend moved up there in February. So I and 2 other friends planned our visit.

Friday night, arrived and chez C at about 8pm. 3 bottles of wine and 2 pizzas later we were in the local pub. Thing is, I was up the previous night with smallest offspring. She has been very poorly recently, which resulted in several emergency Dr appointments ( one of these was at freaking midnight ). This is another story. Anyway, so there were all my friends getting wankered, surrounded by lovely Scottish men and i was FLAGGING big time. I had words with myself...but myself wasn't listening at all. Girls ordered more wine and then more and I was still on glass 1.

For my 10 quid contribution to the kitty I got a coke......and a taxi back to the flat alone. Fucking shameful LIGHTWEIGHT.

Girls turned up and hour later and vomited and/or sang bastard fucking TAKE THAT songs until 3.30 in the morning.

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-01T08:46:00.003+01:00

God!

Ive not posted for a month. Fucks sake!

We've moved back home now.....I was fucking totally dreading it. Everything was such a mess and still is. Still havnt got any type of flooring down yet. Mainly because I am bastard well skint.

Back garden looks like a war-zone. Builder said he would tidy up and I guess he did in his own little way but JESUS. Fucking broken glass everywhere....teeny little shards that would KILL one of my offspring if they were to fall on it. Cement bags behind shrubs. Empty coffee cups and wood and all manner of building shite floating in my NOW stagnant pond. Cheers mate!

However, Mum had some turf. She'd just had her lawn relaid and she had loads spare. So B and I drove 2 hours to Shropshire and 2 hours a couple of Fridays ago and I laid it the very next day. Looks champion

Just needs some finishing touches now.......bit of pen on the wall and some pasta on the skirting boards and .....well........ it will be just like home.......

Geordie Easter

2008-03-26T14:20:00.002+01:00

Just been to Newcastle for a long Easter weekend.

We travelled up in 2 cars....I know ..how massively non-Eco is that. S wanted to play with his new old car and eldest offspring's arse is getting to large to fit between 2 car seats so, I took the girls and S took the luggage and an ipod.

The M6 was a twat as usual. Fucking windy and raining and the infant cried all the way to Kendal. I was so glad to be out of the car and in a house.

The first day Geordie relatives looked after 2 oldest and we took the baby to Whitley Bay cemetery to look for S's good school friend Jonny. The last time we went in August we spent 2 hours looking for him. This time it took us 10 minutes. I don't think his headstone was on last time. S spent a good 20 minutes with him. Cancer at 32. Fucking cruel world.

Following day was hysterical. It snowed and we had a day planned at a National Trust property. ( this took twice as long to find due to us using a fucking sat-nav. Actually ended up in a housing estate play-park...NO JOKE). Long and short of it is all 5 of us getting caught up in the worst fucking blizzard ive personally seen, roughly 2 miles from any shelter on a fucking Easter Egg Hunt. Only the English would partake in such insanity.

Following this we decided to visit the Metro Centre, which was naturally HEAVING. We drove around the car park for about 15 minutes before finding a space and almost got caught in scrap with a couple of rough looking locals who insisted it was their space. That was until all of 6ft lovely husband got out the car and then they drove off scowling. Yay us. Intimidation RULES.

Finally, last day. A walk along the quayside and watch the tilting bridge followed by a nice load of veggie scran at Bob Trollops to finish.

do nothing

2008-03-14T20:30:00.004+01:00

Oh whats wrong with me. The frustration and the torment. Why can't I be nice.

There is just too much all the time to do..

to sort...
to clean...
to tidy...
to buy...
to fix...
to arrange

I'm turning into someone who just wants to do nothing. Just nothing anymore. Just want to sit and do nothing.....When no-one helps I shout and snap.....then no-one wants to help when it becomes an order but see...no-one does see. It could be days or weeks of me thinking ...

Please think about this before me.
Please put your toys away without me asking.
Please take these things upstairs.
Please send that email on my behalf when I am off sick.
Please check my desk for work.
Please pick a kitchen.
Please use your experience in selecting where a radiator should go.

I don't like it and I feel sad and crap and useless and alone.

Mo' money

2008-03-12T10:35:00.003+01:00

Been in rented accomodation now 5 weeks (and a bit). Its all done now. The roof is on and the windows and doors or in, so its secure. Its just the inner bits now. Plasterer is there today skimming over the plaster-board and then ....... the fucking kitchen arrives a week today.

Let me tell you about expense. FUCKING HELL. Whats the point in having a plan...huh? We are currently running about 5k over budget and we aint even got a mother fucking floor down yet.

Still it could've have been a shit load worse. Managed to get the kitchen on trade. It was a 6k kitchen before the lass took all the discount off. So its now a 2k kitchen .......fucking get in there. Dont want to be spending anymore in these digs cos I want out.

So i owe the builder about 9k
I owe the plumber 700 quid
The kitchen is 2k
I will need to pay about 700 quid rent for this place - then there are the bills
The joiner will charge me anything up to 800 quid to fit the fucker in.

I guess I am cashing in that pile of shit endowment then.

Mouse-Tache

2008-03-01T14:36:00.003+01:00

I have a friend. She is a new mum and is struggling with her other half. Its not good and they are seeing solicitors.

We had her round for tea the other day. She brought 3 bottles of wine and we drank another 2. We were a bit pissed and she had the lions share and was wankered. She decided to stay at ours and go home the next day......this did cause lots of domestic problems the next day. This is another story.

We were all a little hung over the next day and as it was half term we generally did fuck all. T-mouse was playing hair dressers and brushing friends hair. She is half Mediterranean and has lovely dark hair. T-mouse turned to look at her with the brush.

"Very nice" she says........"but let me just brush your moustache"

C R I N G E

This dawter of mine has inherited my absolute and complete lack of TACT

Shit!

Black sheep

2008-02-27T14:43:00.004+01:00

I'm having a normal day off. Its Wednesday and it doesnt involve me being in the office, which is nice.

Wednesdays however are always a little chaotic. I have numerous jobs that crop up that need immediate execution or really bad things happen. Today it was the car tax's turn. Last week it was taking 6000 quid out of the bank for the builder. Please note everyone that I am also looking after darling fat-bear and collecting other offspring from school at 3pm.

I do car tax early on and then invite other work friend on maternity leave round for a cup of coffee then remember that ive just given the jar of coffee to the builders ..so its just tea.

I make nice spicy vegetable soop for tea whilst I wait for friend to turn up and watch baby fat-bear take e v e r y t h i n g out of the toy box and place it randomly on 1970's rented carpet.

Friend turns up and we chat about this and that and then my mobile rings ...its the mother and she wants my new landline which is stored on my mobile which is now held against my head. I send it by text and naturally the fucking thing doesnt arrive so she is on the blower again. Finally she calls and it would appear its just a chat and I thought, because of the urgency, it was important. Hey ho.

Long and short of it ...... a general bollocking. Excuse me for thinking I was 34 years old. Father had a birthday last week and I had failed to purchase a piece of card and write on it and stick it in the post. Naturally other unmarried and childless siblings who usually forget or dont bother have done the card thing. I had however called him on the day and wished happy birthday and the like. This personal message didn't suffice.

Not the best fucking advert for Mothers Day really ...... better not forget this or I guess I am cut out of the bastard will

QOTSA Leeds

2008-02-21T19:20:00.003+01:00

Got tickets off ebay as an early valentine gift for my love.

I so love Queens of the Stone Age. Listened to them like MAD...like MAD when we were going through all our troubles and the lead singer has the voice that makes me melt.

Naturally seeing them perform LIVE at Leeds Uni ...I have now fallen IN LOVE with the lead singer

AND..... he's ginger!

sigh

RSVP

2008-02-18T14:12:00.002+01:00

T-mouse is having a 5th birthday in 39 sleeps. We have been counting down a l o n g time.

She says in the car on the way back home from school that she will invite lots of people from her class.

And she says the names of maybe 25 kids.

Then she ponders a while and says

"I would invite Jesus......but he can't come. He's dead"

Oh how we roared

freak-show

2008-01-30T13:18:00.000+01:00

Something I just have to know.

You may have to partake in this physically to know what i mean but please let me know. Apparently, my husband says I am a freak.

Lie on your tummy in bed...or on the carpet/office floor.

Do your feet turn in ...ie toes towards each other or do they turn outwards

Lets see who is the freak

good bye

2008-01-29T22:18:00.000+01:00

My best friend has a new job in Edinburgh...she leaves shortly.

She is right on my fucking wavelength and I can tell her anything and most of the time I generally do. She dragged me through my marital problems 2 years ago and I have helped her through all her little ups and downs.

We've been out as drinking partners more times than I'd like to remember. We've been dancing til our feet hurt and held previously beautifully straightened hair back as the other has suffered from the effects of alcohol poisoning.

I just don't know what I am going to do when she is gone. I have not faced it and will not until she is gone on Sunday and then I have no choice.

Meanwhile ...until then ......I have offensive posters of her hoovering colleagues to organise for the leaving party that will hopefully go down in history this coming Friday

Dreaming

2008-01-28T18:21:00.000+01:00

Here is my darling fat-bear...with her own little bear.

The baby that came to me in my dreams.

Coming of age

2008-01-23T10:39:00.000+01:00

The little darling baby fat-bear is ONE tomorrow. Can you believe Autumn turns ONE tomorrow. Hasn't that been a quick year ...and dont i sound like my mother.

We have bought her an unusual teddy. All the girls get an unusual Ted on their first birthdays. I hope she likes him cos he looks a little freeky.

She's my earliest walker. Started taking her first steps at 10 months old. I almost exploded with pride and now she wanders around and is in to fucking everything. She likes to eat constantly like a cow. Hasn't quite managed to slot herself into this 3 meals a day malarkey just prefers to eat all the time regardless if she has just eaten. Actually caught the rancid little creature eating out of the BIN yesterday. I screamed and then she cried........ :-(

We have had a few first words. Tickletickle said which sounds like tikkatikkatikka. Then cockcoch which naturally means hot.......shame on you.

She is a DARLING

Inside job

2008-01-17T19:57:00.000+01:00

The fucking council. Bunch of totally infected bastards.

We live in a nice area. Lots of young families and old folks living in harmony. The crime is low and its a nice place to be....until the council decided otherwise

Get this, we have a council owned empty building a stone throw away from our house. They decided that it would be demolished and a homeless shelter was to be constructed. We attended the meeting at the local school along with 400 other residents and on reading all the information provided by Manure Housing ( the name has been changed but its close !) they proposed to house x number of people with priority given to ex-cons, drug addicts, alcohol abusers and the metally ill.

FUCK FUCK fucking get right in there.

Naturally 600 local people wrote to the council and complained that this was not the correct area for such a proposal.

Found out yesterday that it has had full approval with no right of appeal.

What is the fucking point of having a right to an opinion.

Happy New Year

2008-01-04T13:45:00.000+01:00

We have it. Well 3 of us do. That nasty puke/poo bug thats on the news.

I am despo trying to keep spicy parsnip soop down and work at the same time. Poor old B is at school.

S and smaller children are sharing 1 toilet.

I am so knackered. Thats 2 nights now .....up and down with varoius family members, changing beds and the like.

I so need a holiday

song and dance

2007-12-26T17:37:00.000+01:00

So far.

We have had no hospital visits.

We are still married and living under the same roof.

This is nothing short of a miracle......although I might have thrown a rather huge spanner in the works on Sunday by dragging S to a sing-a-long xmas carols service at the village pub. It went down like a fucking lead balloon.

I was all over damage-control like a bastard rash.

Hopefully sorted now and lesson learned that we wont go to a sing-a-long session next year.

..............I'll just leave him at home with the kids.............

Ho-ho-ho

Old habits...

2007-12-06T19:25:00.000+01:00

He's 35 today...u know..me old man.

Got him some proper fab presents. From the girls a box of his favourite crisps and from me a little commissioned piece of art.

Found out recently that he's smoking again and thinks he can disguise this by eating LOTS of chewing gum and or drinking strong coffee.

I really FUCKING hate the idea of him smoking, especially as it reminds of the time we were both being a little foolish. In addition we can HARDLY afford for him to be smoking again.

Cant control him though......learned this lesson going to fucking RELATE so I have to leave it with him and hope its doesn't turn into a 20 a day habit by bastard February.

Cheese on toast and its evil plot against me

2007-12-04T23:37:00.000+01:00

Absolutely shocking delay since my last post....this is because I now work part time and have no time to do anything ......let alone blog.

Naturally I have been to Blackpool Vic with a carving knife related injury since i last caught up with the world........

My daughter reminded me that I was attempting to make cheese on toast again and this is the reason I ended up at the hospital with a suspected broken hand....

I am a complete accident prone fuck-wit

Boomerang Bitch

2007-11-14T11:26:00.000+01:00

Its that time of year again.

I approach it with trepidation.

Facebook. Its fun but now the novelty has totally worn off.

You would think that after two years has passed you would just leave well alone. Nope. Not that beeyatch from Peterborough.

Sent my husband a message entitled....oh please dont delete me straight away....

Just thought she'd send him a message to say she was happy and in a grown-up relationship and she even has pets.......FUCK ME......

How utterly fucking fantastic for her. Pets are a sure sign of stability.

Of course she is so happy that she felt the need to contact S....Strange that isnt it???

Naturally, we deleted it

Concrete Chips

2007-11-07T10:06:00.000+01:00

School Dinners.....

I was always quite found of these and could never understand why everyone despised them so much. I guess its the reason why I like airplane food too. Its just the novelty of getting your food in a sectioned off tray, although we didnt have those in our days....just those weird plastic/ceramic type plates and bowls and the water glasses which had numbers on the bottom

...Made in France...I always tried to get the same number...3

I asked mouse the other day what she had for lunch and its all cosmopolitan now and so very continental. None off the ravioli and chips or chicken supreme and boiled spuds. Nowadays they're trying to palm of chapatis on 4 year olds. Mouse is pretty clued up though and will try anything. She always has a problem remembering what she had for lunch so I have to guess by looking at the stains on her white blouse....pasta is always a big giveaway.

Anyway....when it comes to pudding the memory kicks in and .......

"I can always remember the pudding Mummy cos its so much nicer-er"

"I had my FAVOURITE pudding today Mummy. It was called Stiffy Stocking Pudding"

"ooh".......I said......"That's Daddy's favourite too"

Skin-full

2007-10-28T20:24:00.000+01:00

How drunk have you been.

I have a yarn i could tell you about Friday night. I didnt even want to go out ....just 2 days before I return to work and already suffering with a cold.....

It was a full moon on Friday ......dont I know it.

Whats your story?

Secret smile

2007-10-10T11:49:00.000+01:00

I heard that track this morning....the track that started it all off almost 2 years ago.

I heard it and named this blog after the first line........

Nobody knows it .....but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
So use it and prove it
Remove this whirling sadness
I'm losing, I'm bluesing
But you can save me from madness

Nobody knows it but you've got a secret smile
And you use it only for me
So save me, I'm waiting
I'm needing, hear me pleading
And soothe me, improve me
I'm grieving, I'm barely believing now, now

When you are flying around and around the world
And I'm lying alonely
I know there's something sacred and free reserved
And received by me only

Fuck ...life could have been so terribly awfully different.
I'm so lucky

Happy Thursdays

2007-10-04T18:51:00.000+01:00

High maintenance ....which leads ever so nicely into story number 2

That plumber ....never came back again. Since then ( a massive 2 weeks )...my toilet has decided to start leaking through the ceiling. Oooooo its all going on at my house.

Its starting to get worse.

I dont really want to call Builder A again and mention that his plumber never got back to me. S decides to just call any old bastard plumber.

Well my GOD...uncanny central. The plumber we call only turns up to be the BOSS guy of useless twat that never got back to me. Reason being was because he lost all my details. Anyway...in the past 2 weeks they have removed a boiler .....which is exactly like mine out of my doctors surgery down the road. Dr's circuit board had gone but all other parts worked. So this lovely plumber guy turns up ......he turns out he and Bez are separated at birth, and fixes my toilet. He then says he will perform open heart surgery on my boiler and replace it bit by bit until it works.........and only charge me 50 quid and that's only cos i PROMPTED HIM when he was going out the door.

Well ...what I am trying to say is ...

MY FUCKING BOILER IS FIXED .......no shit

We are WARM up north....

High maintenance

2007-10-04T18:38:00.000+01:00

I'm trying to choose a builder ...

Its proving to be a cunts trick ...

They have all provided me with differing quotes...some include this and some include that so its a proper bastard to compare them...like for like.

I call up builder (A).....hes a youngish guy. He's the only chap that a c t u a l l y got off his arse and visited me before he quoted. His price is good so I call him up again to discuss a few finer points. I mention my boiler is a bastard he calls his plumber to come and have a gander. I ask him to pencil me into his diary...he says first job after Xmas...jobs-a-goodun.

Later that same day.

Builder (B) drops by. He is more expensive but seems a little chattier and therefore trustworthy.

BING-BONG!

Hello ...I am Builder (A's) plumber I am here to have a butchers at your boiler.

COCK

Hmmmmm....very uncomfortable situation. I believe I handled it nicely.

WRONG

Phone call from Builder (A) at 6pm that same evening. Er...whats going on love. Am I doing your job or not. You've had another builder round. Who was it? Whats he charging?

Bloody hell. Ive pissed him off already and he's not even removed a fucking brick yet .....

mange-tout

2007-10-02T09:16:00.000+01:00

How embarrassing.......

Ive just dropped the mouse off at school. She doesn't go to B's school because it struggled with teachers in years 3, 4 and 5 which resulted in me Kumon-ing her ass to recoup the damage in maths. Its 2 different drop offs every day so the timing has to be perfect.

Mouse's school is slightly ....posher. All the yummy-mummys look like they've stepped out of the fucking Next directory and have immaculate straightened hair and lady-belted-macs. A few are wearing those FUCKING ridiculous croc-shit-shoes or those UG-boots but on the whole expensive heels and tailored jeans etc.

I really try and make myself look....O-K-A-Y in the morning but as you can imagine this ain't easy with three kids. So i dive in the shower ...throw on some clothes ....slap on some make-up and fluff up the hair in an attempt to make myself look presentable. Its getting closer to 8.30 (the time we absolutely fucking most definitely need to leave the house and get in the car). I open the fridge and out dives an opened packed of mange-tout....all over the bastard floor.

COCK

I gather it up and ram it in my jeans pocket cos ...well i just haven't got time to go to the bin.

Drop the mouse off at school...watch her little ginger-self line up in the baby line and then take myself to the foyer to pay the secretary dinner money.

"£8.50 you say...right-o its just here in my pocket" I say struggling with fat bear on one hip who is fighting to get her podgy mitts on my car keys"

Several Next models are waiting behind me to do the same.

Out flies 5 pieces of flaccid mange-tout and a fiver after their little holiday in my pocket.

FUCK......how do i explain that ..........

answer I just don't even fucking try.....just pick it up pay the lady the money and make a hasty retreat.

shit

Everything and nothing

2007-09-27T09:18:00.000+01:00

Went to the hospital yesterday....you know the place...my second home!!!

It was a follow up check for little fat bear's dodgy hips. She's getting about now....standing up and furniture surfing at 8 months. She is into absolutely everything bad......which is the gas fire in the front room. If i leave an item, equally bad an evil, she will move to this. These include boxes of knives, plastic bags, hot cups of tea and the like.

I digress.

We were X-rayed on arrival and the consultant picked up a rather fat file and leafed through it for 5 minutes with a look of confusion on his face until the nurse came in and handed him a very thin file ...which was of course Autumns.

Anyway.....its all OK and my baby girl is fixed. Hurrah

Big old bear

2007-09-25T09:31:00.000+01:00

Boiler....you guessed it ....its fucked ...proper this time

We moved in this house in 2001 and when i was pregnant with the mouse in 2002 the boiler went tits up. Plumber came out flushed it through and it worked again ....until 2005. It was a cold part of my life...not even the radiators could warm me.

We would jump start the boiler daily and managed to encourage it to work by tapping here and there but over its long summer hiber-vacation it has died without me knowing. I feel sorry .......

Last plumber said it was over 20 years old and its a MIRACLE it lasted as long as it has.

I am now left with a bill of 2k to replace it or we just make do with hot water bottles

A-mazing

2007-09-10T14:13:00.000+01:00

Went round a maize maze a few weeks back. Went with the kids and FUCKING loved it.

Took us an hour and 45 minutes to get owt of the bastard thing and that was WITH THE MAP!

They are opening it at night at the end of this month and you get to go round with a torch.

A good evenings entertainment complete with zombies.........

Pant wettingly scarey

30 years left

2007-09-10T14:07:00.000+01:00

Its been a fast year hasnt it.......

Started the year at full term pregnant....and now she is 8 months old. Ive loved being at home with her but I am so skint its untrue. Agreed...the remortgage saved my ass for a few more months but I have Xmas round the corner and also the extension needs to be funded especially as I dip into this money now and again.

I made the decision to return to work. Ive asked for some tinkering of hours and we'll see how things develop. Needless to say I am gutted that I have to go back so soon ...she is my last offspring..................but needs must

times a changin

2007-09-05T14:50:00.000+01:00

Got the mouse off to school.

Its just half days for the first 2 weeks which has really pissed her off. She was very unhappy to see me yesterday at lunchtime as she was expecting to stay for skoo-dinners.

This means I have her under my feet for another 2 weeks so i guess the Nintendo is going to be working very hard to entertain her ........

bad mother ...bad mother......!

yeah yeah ........you try and entertain a disgruntled 4yr old!

Stopped breast feeding Autumn about 3 weeks ago too. It was a strange decision. My last baby girla-wirla and the bond being broken between us ......our special connection......b-a-b-y lovely squashy-squashy soft skin....little pinky cheeks and fluttery eyelashes and.........FUCKING OWWW........SHIT.... she has teeth........hello bottled milk.

Cobblers

2007-08-31T19:33:00.000+01:00

Imagine the scene......................................

Good Morning Squire!.....I need some COCK.

This of course would be quite the normal polite thing to say ....maybe 100 years ago. No one would bat an eyelid. I dont think I'd get much in the way of boot polish if I went in to Timpsons today.

I took this picture at the childrens petting farm last week. Again.....PETTING FARM!......this also brings other things to mind.......PETTING ....fuck sake.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

2007-08-21T11:22:00.000+01:00

Sometimes it rained

Rock and Roll

2007-08-21T11:12:00.000+01:00

Had a good time in Newcastle. Almost killed by Aunty Pennys portion sizes though.....

On the Saturday we went to Whitley Bay so S could visit the graveyard there and pay his respects to one of his old school friends. It was drizzling and it was full coat + hood weather ....and to be honest I wouldn't have said "no" to a nice pair of warm gloves too.

We walked round for an hour and we didn't find him (to be fair there was about 5000 graves!). This put S in a downer cos he just expected to walk straight to his friends grave ......

Cancer....31 yrs old.....no age at all really and recently a father....so sad. I only met the chap once when we were about 17. We all went to Butlins together and he was a crazy dude. He was a singer in a thrash metal band and was a true punk.

Rest in peace Jonny

The holidays

2007-08-07T18:05:00.000+01:00

IVE HAD E-FUCKING-NUFF OF THE CHILDREN TODAY.

FUCKING HELL.....little BASTARDS .....BAS-TAAAAARDS!

Dear JESUS........bickering all the way to the LAKE DISTRICT....which takes about 40 minutes from our house. Then, when we are there they ask for everything ..EVERYTHING......edible. If they are unsuccessful in their request for high-sugary-content-product....what do they do????

They WHINE .....WHINE.....Why not Mum?.....its NOT FAIR!

They dont eat their lunches.......they CONSTANTLY want the toilet.

When we get in the car to come home they giggle.......really fucking loudly and insanely at 100 decibels all the way home.

And we had to go to Kumon and guess the fucking whatcha....no Kumon has been completed so I have to shout like the bitch mother from hell

I'm just so fucking pissed off with them...what is the fucking matter with my children.

A dare is a dare

2007-07-26T17:31:00.000+01:00

Got the car MOT'd the other day before i took ALL the kids to visit my folks in Shropshire - this is another story

Anyways...it passed ..thankfully.

A couple of days later I walk down the road to settle the bill. Its late in the day and all the greasy boys have gone home, leaving a middle aged biker dude to close up.

"Girls...stay by the pram..." I say

"Dont be coming into the garage. No touching or messing with anything. Do you hear? Garages are dangerous places to be. Mummy will be 5 minutes. Ive just got to settle the bill"....

( do i really talk in little sentences like this...fucks sake)

La-di-da...smalltalk shite...punch in my pin number. Tyres almost bald you say...really...golly.

HUGE KERFUCKING CRASH AND MUCH SCREAMING FOLLOWS

Mouse has fallen down the mechanics pit after being dared to jump the ramp by my eldest.

Blood fucking EVERYWHERE......mostly coming out of baby mouse nose

Blackpool Vic anyone....i really do need that parking place

Liquid anaesthetic

2007-07-26T09:36:00.000+01:00

Its true I am officially 34.

I mostly say things like

"WOW .....Those shoes look comfortable"

and

"Lets have an early night with a cup of tea"....
........(of course 6 nights out of 7 I also say......"fuck me the kids have worked their bastard tickets today lets get a bottle of vino each to numb the pain")

Count backwards from 10 please

TEN..........NIIIINE...........Eiggghhhhht

The Laundry Fought Back

2007-07-17T10:34:00.000+01:00

I'm sat here procrastinating and writing about ...well....shit basically. I have just a record amount of laundry to do.

Oh ....I forgot...I was at Blackpool Vic (hospital) on Friday night because the Laundry fought back.
See, its all piled on the chest freezer. There is lots and lots and lots....the drawers are empty upstairs.....
So, I need bread out of the freezer because the children are running around and crying for food. Any normal sensible person would remove above mentioned ironing pile and put it somewhere else, thus enabling easy access to said chest freezer.

Not I said the housewife.

Nope I shall lift the lid with my She-ra strength ...grasp a loaf of Warbartons and then drop the fucking lid and all its weight on to my tiny weeny fragile girly hand and spend my precious Friday evening in the fucking A&E dept.

Chatted with a couple of girls who had flip-flop related injuries.

I had 2 X-RAY's ........no break just strapped me up and popped it in a sling.

My friend has offered to do my ironing as a birthday gift.........just 3 sleeps to go and i get to wear ironed clothing ...wooo-hoo

Small talk

2007-07-17T10:30:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I just want the answer to my question....

THATS ALL

Is that possible please????

I just want to ask something simple like...

Have you the time please?.....

I dont want to discuss the weather or anything else ....OK?????

Reminds of that episode of Star Trek : TNG when Data was trying to learn smalltalk.....

Thats how false it sounds......

wired brain

2007-07-12T09:27:00.001+01:00

when ever i hear the word "respectable"

I ALWAYS think of that SHIT Mel & Kim ...1980's travesty

tay..tay...tay ...tay ..te.te.te.te.te...tay....tay

contact

2007-07-12T09:26:00.000+01:00

been fucking around on facebook

an ex boyfriend has contacted me

how weird is that

Race for Life

2007-07-04T14:36:00.001+01:00

It soon comes round......4th year running now.....

Bit of a difference from last year when I was 12 weeks pregnant and the weather was BOILING HOT. This year I am unfit and its going to piss down and I still have to drag B round.

The local newspaper wanted a picture too cos they are doing a feature because B and her friends are running and they are only 10yrs old. We had to stand outside the school and lean forward ....in a pose like the starting gun was about to go ....BANG. I hope I dont look like a twat.

Last year we ran for Kylie

This year we run for Nana-di-doo-di-doo.

Do you ever.....

2007-07-02T09:51:00.000+01:00

.... cry when you write?

Thinking of the emotion and the events and trying to express them.

I find it difficult to write....I wish I could write as beautifully as isabelle.......

I think and feel and almost glow with emotion.....I want to explode all gold and glittery on to the paper and its all there for people to read and absorb.

...I just cant.....

Lies and Loans

2007-07-02T09:44:00.000+01:00

its done......finally ......

we have a new mortgage and still the work of cancelling loans and redemption figures remains to punish me.

It was Friday ....the money was transferred.

Lets go out ..live it up....just one night of freedom....but since then ive been low...miserable.....irritated.....tired.

Its finally done...after 3 or 4 years of this albatross around our necks.

Around our necks.......

....a beautiful friendship and romance almost destroyed by lies and loans.

This the final chapter........and I dont celebrate.

Whats up?

lazy town

2007-06-25T17:49:00.000+01:00

thats me

up to my eyeballs in

transfer of equity ....
freehold...
leasehold....
architects......
remortgage...

will get round to a decent interesting post when i can get my face out of the diurnal glass of wine

All juice and no seeds

2007-06-14T09:46:00.000+01:00

You know what I'm on about ......

My tender husband recovers in a jockstrap......which i may add is incredibly sexy

love it

the test

2007-06-08T05:59:00.000+01:00

its early.....I know

.....cant get back to sleep cos I've got a worry and it wont go. Anyway....the alarm goes off in a bit so whats the point.

I know it was gonna happen at some point...he just hasn't had the opportunity...he used to go out fairly frequently ....but his behaviour that night did worry some people so not many invites have materialised....

he goes out tonight....with the same group of people he went out with 6 months ago(they are blissfully unaware of the events.... ) .....on that totally normal day in December...just 3 days before Christmas. That day I thought he wasn't going to see through.

Today will seem normal and I know its a meal and a few drinks but I know what happens after a few drinks...it flips the switch and another pint seems OK thenanotherthenanotherthenanother..........then we argue briefly over text ...then briefly on the phone and I pace the house ashen white until he is home.

It has to be done ...I have to just sit at home and wait for it to be over. Please please please be good...be safe

war on want

2007-06-04T10:47:00.000+01:00

Bangladeshis making cheap clothes for Asda, Tesco and Primark are paid as little as 3p an hour, according to a report .........

fucking terrible......

it makes me feel sick

booty-ful

2007-06-04T09:38:00.000+01:00

Primark

....not sure whether i fucking HATE IT for its nasty magnetism for scum families

.....or whether I like its cheapness for ladies on maternity leave.

...hang on...nope ...I really do dislike being in the store....just clothes ....fucking everywhere. Its like cotton carnage.

And the patterns on the clothing. What IS it with the weird 1960's/1970's pattern at the moment. Sky blue roses with purple and green leaves on a yellow background. Fuck sake. Also what is going on this year with the fucking styles. Everything is smock topped. excellent if you are 8 months pregnant but if you'd like to show off a nice slinky waist....you're FUCKED.

Either that or its the totally SHIT 1980's white T-shirts with RELAX or some other shit written on the front.

I hate Tshirts with stuff written on the front. Really piss me off. I think the last Tshirt I had with words on it was a Red Dwarf one and it was offensive. My parents HATED it.

Obviously someone in charge at fashion school said...."I know..this year.... lets make everyone look like they are from some random past decade"

.........next season we'll all be dressed as fucking pirates.......which isnt so bad because I wouldnt mind being a pirate.

pink-top

2007-05-25T10:53:00.000+01:00

I was thinking last night when i was awake feeding Autumn.

Why dont we milk pigs?

So I have had a wee look and it transpires to be a bloody difficult to do for various reasons

ogre-style

2007-05-25T09:36:00.000+01:00

Its a popular theme.

Check ones hits stats and see where and why people visit blog.

Just this last week...in capitals

PRINCESS FIONA FUCKING SHREK

was typed into google...and was linked to my blog

I am impressed

Lesson learned

2007-05-22T09:54:00.000+01:00

Hello is that Picture?.....We were looking for a loan........?

Hopefully my days of squirming whilst day time tv tortures me with "get ya-self owt of debt" ads is OVER.

Called up the mortgage dudes today and the offer is in.

Oh my GOD do i breathe a sigh of relief. Last month was tighter than a ducks arse so I am ready for us to have a wee bit more cash.

Gonna sign the bitch as soon as it lands on my doorstep and get its ass back to the Falihax as soon as humanly possible.

OOOO i just cant wait to see all my debts gone.

Thats IT now...no more "buy now" bollocks ...no more expensive holidays ......no more fucking store cards........

fuck ...this means my condemned kitchen will finally be sorted .........joy

lard fix

2007-05-21T20:17:00.000+01:00

Has anyone tried this ice-cream.....

I'll be buggered if I can find the fucker anywhere

I'm tempted to drive around the Fylde coast to locate its unusual-ness........either that or try for the new magnum badboy with 62% stealth dark chocolate......a ninja dessert(which i am having problems finding a link to)

Oh thats reminded me....Saturday night we had a chinese take-a-way. Not had one since the wee one was born so it was a special treat.

Can we have Pork on the Cob says Trin

We worked out this means spare ribs

Classic!

Aunty Pp

2007-05-21T20:13:00.000+01:00

Fiona looks like this.

She is very good and sleeps LOADS ...unlike any of mine

Princess Fiona

2007-05-18T11:14:00.000+01:00

Oh i forgot

Autumn and Bronte and Trinny now have a cousin. Another baby girl...... Fiona...born on Sunday

Princess Fiona......Like out of Shrek says Trinny

Pics soon

NHS = National Hell Service

2007-05-18T10:05:00.000+01:00

Do you know how long I spent at Blackpool-fucking-Victoria-bastard-Hospital this week???

...........about 7 hours

Wednesday
......take the baby in.....she has an appointment for a bath and then a refit of the Pavlik harness torture device. ...but ...OH DEAR the computers have all crashed which means I have to sit with Autumn for 1.5 hrs until someone can pull their fingers owt their ARSE to help me give Autumn a bath....cos you see it takes a PC to run a fucking bath doesnt it...wankers!

Then...I gets back home......and the fucking harness is digging in Autumns baby blub tyres..bless her fatself. So I call up the reception and they say....

"sorry ...cant come back here cos we are too busy"....
"Yes I understand" say I "but its a 5 second job of just adjusting the velcro".....
"nope" they say ...."fuck off".

Where the BLUE FUCK do you expect me to take her then...."A and fucking E" they say.

Fantastic

So Autumn and I were at A&E for 3 hours on Wednesday night...and guess what...??? - No-one had one shiny clue what the fuck a Pavlik harness was so they loosened it and I was sent on my way with ANOTHER FUCKING APPOINTMENT the next day at the hospital.

Thursday
So we turn up the next day as instructed at the childrens ward....but.... oh no boys and girls....we were at the wrong place so back we went to shitty orange reception. Where i was to be seen immediately ...apparently.

What total and utter BOLLOCKS.

An hour plus later I get a bit shirty with the receptionist and we are moved to a room. Guess what?????..... the consultant Mr V was having a day off.......

More waiting and bouncing Autumn on my knee and shaking various toys and jangly hospital equipment ......which she is now completely bored of.

Finally a very nice registrar turns up and sorts it out.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.......It all begins again next Wednesday....Fucking love it

Narrow escape

2007-05-15T14:30:00.000+01:00

Went on the narrow boat with my mum and entire female family ....aunts cousins sisters etc

They had been on there since Friday morning and had spent that day getting to Llangollen ....drinking Stella whilst going over this aquaduct....FUCK

Anyways ...I get there on Saturday with my trusty mechanical baby under my arm.

Start drinking as soon as dad drops me off in Llangollen marina.........my cousin is a bit of a piss head so this is OK ....eldest sister is 40 going on 70 and younger sister is insulin diabetic and cant be arsed getting pissed cos it messes up her control.

We walk into town and look at welsh this and welsh that and listen to lovely Jazz music cos its the Jazz festival.

This dude comes up to me....

"Excuse me....Are you Miss Brighton 1995?"

I was CONVINCED i misheard him...NOPE...i Fucking hadn't

"Well....you are her spitting double" ..says he

Ive been searching the web and I cant find a pic of her .........I hope she was a babe !

6 pints the stupid

2007-05-06T20:56:00.000+01:00

Ah the prom run....havnt been on one of these for years.

Ho down.....haybarn!

That's where I was on Friday night....promising myself that I will have fun but not over do it

Next thing I am volunteering for Love Shack in Nelly Deans Karaoke .....and recreating my Footloose dance .......that I choreographed aged 10......

shit !

its in the mail

2007-05-04T14:41:00.000+01:00

Some fucking chav bastards have let their dogs SHIT right outside my house.

This gets RIGHT on my TITS. HOW FUCKING dare they let their rancid animal crap where my children and I walk daily.

PICK UP THE SHIT....or walk somewhere else.

I have, unfortunately, made the problem worse by writing the word

.......THANKS.......

and an arrow pointing to the mound of shit.

I will no doubt be wading through piles of it before the weekend is over......all i need to do is to spot the culprit .........and follow them home......then deposit said shit-o-gram in to their garden/postbox...and any other piles i may see on my way round.

dont fuck with me dog owners !

hate it

2007-04-30T11:01:00.000+01:00

What is it about bagels

Fucking rancid rubbery pieces of plastic shit....whatever seeds, spices or fruit you put in them......they always will taste like chair foam.

i HATE them

I also hate winking.....it just looks cheap. People who perform it look like they have a brain disorder....its not attractive.....neither is this ;-)

DFS...CSC...ABC...COK....lounge suites...major sales now on....every other advert on the telly. Why dont you just FUCK OFF. Jesus ...

Finally ....political reps... on my doorstep. Asking me...do i vote??.....HELLO Emmeline Pankhurst......What do you reckon???

fume

Its for chariteeee folks

2007-04-24T12:39:00.000+01:00

Race for Life this year in Blackers is on the 4th July. B is doing it with me too and Grandma.

Last year I was already 12 weeks pregnant when i dragged my daughter round the 5k course.

She promises she isnt going to complain this time....

I wonder whats in the goody bag this year?? ....

fuck!!!

how shallow am I?

fat club

2007-04-24T12:33:00.000+01:00

Ive joined weight watchers

Yeah I know......I dont really need to .....but i just hate the FLAB that hangs over my pants. Its not much but its there and i FUCKING HATE IT.

Stuck to the diet ....its quite easy really ...just sensible eating. I always ate sensibly anyway so this isnt difficult, however I have had to stop making .....cherry cake...flapjack.....biscuits....double cream fudge.......peppermint creams.....pastry.....dumplings......scones with clotted cream. Yep the list does indeed go on and on.

Oh yeah....and also the half bottle of vino per night and the bar of chocolate had to go ....so understandbly I lost 6.5 lbs in the first week.

Thats the weight of a newborn baby ....albeit a rather small skinny one

Check me out !

Todays Post

2007-04-23T11:24:00.000+01:00

"We are writing to confirm that your student loan has been repaid in full"

I have been paying this back all my adult life.......i spent it on drugs.....booze....gig tickets ....and lard.

The very start of my massive debt problem.

I wish all my other loans were only 24 quid per month

the countdown begins

2007-04-19T18:24:00.000+01:00

Mum, how many sleeps till I'm 5.........?

...errrrrrrrmmm...think...maths...tired brain....

the worrying never ends

2007-04-19T10:57:00.000+01:00

Autumn was diagnosed with clicky hips at birth.

She has been to the hospital a couple of times to be scanned and the consultant has decided she needs to be in a harness

This means my baby will need a general anaesthetic........

Really fucking worried for her and everyone will stare ........

Test Dummy

2007-04-18T09:27:00.000+01:00

Its my sisters 40th and my other sisters 30th this year. Actually in a matter of a few weeks

Mum and Dad have a narrow boat on the Shropshire Union Canal and the plan is to get sisters mum aunty and cousin and I on this boat for a long weekend to get shit faced and have a laugh and the like.

But this means leaving the baby ...and the kids....and the husband.

It would be nice to go....sit in the sun....have a full nights sleep....go out for a meal...

The problem is the past coming back to repeat itself. The problem is S being disciplined not to drink whilst I am away.

I guess its just trust again.........but I am reluctant to test the hypothesis on the children.

What is..?

2007-04-18T09:21:00.000+01:00

Had a few drinks at a friends house the other night .....you know when it was warm.

They asked how S was .....and I said I thought he was OK. Its not like last year when i saw a definate change in his manner and mood. Last year he seemed motivated, excited, young and happy. I dunno this year....I ask him and he says things are OK.

He said he was OK and he seemed OK in December last year and look what happened. I just dont know anymore.

We still havnt discussed exactly what he was thinking that night.....I dunno if we ever will. I chatted this through with my friends ...I am the kind of person that likes to disect an event to work out why it happened.

Maybe you should just let this one go...they said. Just move on.

But what if it happens again and I havnt tried enough to sort it.

To be honest I am tired of thinking about it...and I am tired of worrying and I am ACTUALLY fucking tired through lack of sleep.

Will it ever EVER be normal?

Natural Selection

2007-04-08T18:21:00.000+01:00

Just been looking at some old posts from last April.....about the time the girl sperm were beating the SHIT out of all the boy sperm somewhere in my fallopians.

I was just in recovery from the xmas from hell and had planned some good stuff for the year. I was healthy...slimmer than Ive ever been and planned to run 10k...and actually fucking did....TWICE...

This year is a similar story .....nasty xmas .....but hang on a minute.......I am doing fuck all exercise ...(unless you count being awake all through the night a sport) ....

got the 10k form ...and a triathalon form....and a bike ride I know about ...and the 5k race for life...just waiting to be completed ...but I know I'll end up in Blackpool Victoria Hospital. Pisses me off to be honest ...that and about 10lbs in extra LARD I have to drag about ...which seems to be mostly on my ARSE

Its like one of those books that were about in the 80's...remember....???

You get to select an ending.......

TURN to page 89.....to enter the cake shop
TURN to page 6....... to stay in bed
TURN to page 33......to get your ass to the gym...restart YOGA and enter at least one fucking race this year you bone idle cow

hmmmmmmm.......

Damage Control

2007-03-28T09:44:00.000+01:00

got my mother coming to visit today

so.................

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SAT BLOGGING BITCH???????

My mothers house is like something out of "Ideal Home" mag...or "Period Living"....she has a bath with feet and expensive furniture and bits of silver ..like spoons and shit everywhere...I swear its like a museum.

The reason why I am sat on my ass is.....there aint no fekking way I can recoup the damage in my house before she turns up in 2 hours...no bastard way......

Dad just called...shes set off...but there is fog says he.....that gives me an extra 10/15 minutes.......

bollocks...where is the hoover

Middle mouse

2007-03-28T09:20:00.000+01:00

How many sleeps to my birthday mummy.....103

Mummy how many sleeps now til my birthday......84

Is it almost my birthday yet mum.....just 56 sleeps babe

How many sleeps now mum....44

Am i gonna be 4 soon mum....only 28 sleeps to go baby mouse

Happy Birthday Trinny-Mousey....4 yrs old today

posh nosh

2007-03-22T10:56:00.000+01:00

Guess what

We've got a MARKS and SPENCERS in fucking St Annes now

MARKS AND SPENCERS.......how exciting is that

How posh are we up north!

Mo Money

2007-03-22T10:50:00.000+01:00

Recently got a browser for the DS so i can surf the web whilst breast feeding at night.....makes a change from doing errands in Animal Crossing.

Only problem is it wont let me sign on to blogger ....which is a TOTAL bastard .....ive managed to view pages and also post on a couple of faves but this comes with its own problems of double posting...

Mothers Day last sunday........S got me a mantle clock of ebay......it bongs on the half...and the hour ...its so cute ....LOVE IT

Got an appointment to see the Royal Bank of Bastards in a bit.....my account is sher-afted. Fucks sake....I really hope that at some point ..before i go grey ..i can stop worrying about fucking bastard money

falling behind in her work

2007-03-15T17:17:00.000+01:00

Fucking got fuck all done today....honestly its a miracle I can take a PISS some days. She has just been so difficult to settle. Crying as we speak/type...actually.

Skin is sore.......I forget the last full satisfying nights bastard sleep....maybe it was last summer.

Make-up is an added bonus....if i get up before 7am...hey I am awake anyway!

Hair takes on its naturally curly ....... possibly seductive ....but actually neglected state.

I just want a tiny WEENY bit of a routine just so i can plan a bit and not look like SHIT.

Ive got friends who want to come and see me......yet i put them off cos i am ashamed of the state of my house .....the state of me .....and indeed the topic of conversation...which I am not quite ready to discuss openly.

This post took about 8 mins ........she stopped crying after a minute so the vibraty chair is doing its job..

PP must do better